The trick is to balance acceptance of help with preservation of control. First, don’t give up independence too easily. “I have a friend with AIDS,” says Steven, “who sometimes asks me to bring stuff down from his attic or install his screen windows—things I know he can do for himself. I say no. I know, because I have other friends with AIDS, that he has to take some responsibility. Lots of people give up, but mental and physical health go hand in hand.” People feel better about accepting help if they think they’ve done their best to accomplish the task on their own first. Next, accept the fact that having some help is going to be necessary. Certainly such physical limitations as fatigue require that you accept help. Helen, who had worried about depending on her parents or on welfare, made her peace with getting help. “I know I’m not going to be able to count on myself for everything,” she finally said. “I’m not going to be afraid of becoming dependent, of saying I need help. My father and stepmother have been very supportive. My church will always help.” Some people feel they need help so badly they have no choice but to accept it. Some people feel they can accept help because they have helped others: what goes around comes around, they say. Some can accept help because they understand that their caregivers need to be involved with them. Some know that if circumstances were reversed and their caregivers were sick, they would help their caregivers. Some feel they have led good enough lives that they are worthy recipients of care.
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