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THE DESEXUALIZATION OF THE AMERICAN MARRIAGE: TWO TYPES OF EXTRAMARITAL SEX

I have tried for years to make our marriage one long affair. Well, you know what? She had ended up having an affair all right, but not with me.

HUSBAND

Super Marital Sex Rule: Never try to make your marriage an affair. Affairs are short, intense, immature imitations of love that is only possible in lasting, mature relationships. Intensity, newness, and variety are culturally learned values that cannot compete with the predictability, sameness, and comfort of super marital sex. We must unlearn the negative connotations of these last three terms.

Type I extramarital sex is sex outside of marriage. Type II extramarital sex is the attempt to make an affair out of your marriage, to use affairs as the model of true joy so that marriage must live up to the “sexpectations” of affairs. It is the attempt to put sex “outside” of day-to-day marital living, to buy the latest sex toys, sneak away on vacations, schedule candlelight dinners, and dress in the most erotic clothing. Couples trying for this extramarital sex Type II end up with “separate marital sex,” a lack of closeness and trust in an effort to create a relationship within a relationship. You cannot have an affair with someone you love, but you can have super marital sex that takes place within the entire life system, not separate from it.

I offer a special invitation to single persons to join this “quest for intimacy.” Legal, cultural, sociological, familial, financial commitments that accompany marriage, in our society provide a framework for formalizing the unity necessary for the super marital sex you will be reading about. There are many aspects of super marital sex, however, that apply to those persons who are not, cannot, or choose not to marry. This model offers an alternative for single, widowed and divorced persons, for anyone who desires a standard of sexual intimacy based on commitment, trust, and the potential for personal and relationship growth beyond physical closeness. I suggest that we have more to learn from prolonged intimacy evolving from within a mutually fulfilling love system than from the use of sex as a means for finding someone to love. Marrying is a healthier model for loving and sex than “mating,” because it can provide for an adaptive all-inclusive style for true “living together.”

I am suggesting in super marital sex a new model for intimacy, a new course objective for our culture’s sex education, a new priority, a choosing of intimacy. The AIDS crisis should not frighten us into fidelity. We should celebrate the potential of fidelity, its capacity for a super sex where the super means whole, lasting, comforting, fulfilling.

The husband and wife who were given a second chance had never given their marriage a chance to grow into something very special. They had allowed their marriage to become de-eroticized. Has this happened to your marriage? Check the ways this happened to the thousand couples.